Kye and Peanut's Blog In memory of our lost ones Kye and Peanut

Photo Courtesy of Flickr User .Human After All

I haven’t written anything, anywhere for over a month now.  I seem to be suffering (hopefully in the past tense!) a bad case of writer’s block.  I seem to lack any and all motivation, creativity, focus, serenity, claritity and concentration.  I do know the reason why though…  My family was overjoyed when I told them of the positive pregnancy test result at the end of November.  I quietly told my in-laws during my mother-in-law’s and Aunt’s (they are twins) big birthday bash, ensuring that my youngest (aged 3 1/2) did not overhear our conversation.

Everyone was overjoyed with the news of course.  Our fertility background is complicated, to say the least.  My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years with me bringing a 10 year old to the marriage.  We conceived our first child shortly after the marriage and I gave birth in April of 2006 to a healthy, happy 11 1/2 pound baby girl.  She was healthy and happy but I unfortunately, suffered from severe post partum depression for approximately a year and a half.  When my depression seemed to be somewhat behind me, we conceived again.  My depression seemed to hit me from the first moment of the pregnancy.

When I was nearing the halfway point of the pregnancy, we went on a baby-moon (a holiday before the birth of a new baby).  I started to feel much better while we were away and looked forward to the ultrasound I would have on the day after our holiday ended.  We had hoped to find out whether it was a boy or a girl but instead found that our  precious babe had no heartbeat at all.  I unfortunately discovered that postpartum depression can be just as profound, perhaps even worse after the loss of a baby.  I felt like there was no real reason to hold it together after our tiny son’s death.

My depression turned to thoughts of suicide that resulted in my hospitalization for a couple of weeks on the psych ward.  It was beyond awful to be separated from both my dead son and my two living children during these weeks.  My medications were adjusted and I was in a somewhat safe environment though.  Some of the other patients did really make me wonder about my security though.  In time, I was released and began writing on the internet as a way of regaining my sanity and providing my days with some purpose.  After a year, I returned to work outside of the home on a part time basis.  This was the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life.  Losing a child is indescribably painful to put it in the mildest terms.

When the child who has died is unborn, the world around you doesn’t understand your loss at all.  My son Kye had no funeral, no memorial, no birth certificate, no death certificate, no picture taken, no kisses given and was never held or seen by us.  To many of our family members, he never existed at all.  However, after waiting for 20 weeks for him, building up expectations, hopes  and dreams for him, he was very painfully real to my husband and I.  The things that people say to parents of lost babies are terrible.  These things happen for a reason.  What reason is there for dead babies??  Would you say the same thing if my mother died?  It was God’s will.  I don’t believe in God.  If he exists, he has a lot to answer for.  You can have another.  Oh, so if one of your children died would it be okay for me to say the same thing?  It wasn’t a real baby.  Was it fake??  I could go on.  The only thing that you can really say to someone in this situation is how sorry you are and be there to listen.

Anyways, after our son’s death, I contemplated never trying to conceive again for obvious reasons.  However, with a huge age range between our two living kids (aged 15 and 3), I felt like they’d both be only children if we never tried again.  This brings us back to the end of November with my positive test results and a happy family.  Within a week of finding out, I began to bleed.  I feared the worst but was bolstered by my husband’s optimism that sometimes this happens during normal, healthy pregnancies.  The doctor tried to be optimistic as well when we got to see him.  I was sent for several tests but knew long before they did that I was no longer pregnant.

A loss of a pregnancy at 6 weeks is still a loss of a baby.  I was surprised and devastated at how low I have sunk during the 4 weeks since my second loss.  Unfortunately, miscarrying on December 2 more than ruined the holidays for my husband and I.  We tried to suck it up and plaster smiles on for our two children here with us but it was difficult and completely impossible at times.  To make matters worse, I have a friend who surprised me by telling me she was pregnant with the same due date that I had.  Now, she remains pregnant and I remain here with empty arms and an empty belly.  I’ve begun to distance myself from her as it has become increasingly difficult to see her and hear what her life is bringing her at the moment.  I am overjoyed for her but full of grief at the same time.  Now, I have not only lost two babes but also a dear friend that stood voraciously by my side after my first loss.

I will try to begin writing again readers but please know that I’m still here, still trying to keep it together, live an environmentally responsible life with my family and still hope to hear from all of my readers about their experiences living green and raising families.  Happy New Year everyone!  Here’s hoping for a better year in 2010.