Displaying 1 - 10 of 76 entries.

Farewell to family and friends

  • Posted on June 6, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Loosing Kye and Peanut was tough.  Really tough.  In time, it gets easier though and as they say, “you find a new normal.”  One that does not involve raising the children that you thought that you would have, but at least involves cherishing the people who are important to you.  When Kye died, we knew it would be tough, but we knew that we had each other and that our family could get through this.  In the end, we really learned a lot about who we could trust and who we could not.  Many thanks to those who stuck by us or tried to help.

We figured that pretty much everyone would be there for us.  What we didn’t realize was that we would loose so many friends and family along the way.  Since then, “friends” at work became more and more distant until I eventually just decided that it was time to move on and started looking for new work.  I know that while we once would get together, I won’t see them again after I leave.

The toughest lost was Paula’s brother and his family who live close by.  Paula still cries about that loss far more than Kye and Peanut.  He was there when she went into the OR to have Kye removed and watched as she nearly died after the surgery.  After that, we saw him a less and less.  The last straw seemed to be when were supposed to make Christmas dinner, but Peanut died just before Christmas.  We couldn’t do it and they agreed to have it, then invited the two families that they knew with children board around Kye’s birth date.  One of the families had announced their baby to the family at the same get together that we announced Kye was due.  So, our family Christmas was pretty much sitting in his basement crying about our loss surrounded by children, several the age of our lost son.  Paula’s brother just didn’t see why that would be upsetting a couple weeks after a miscarriage.  For Christmas, Paula’s family all got together nearby at her Mom’s.  Unfortunately, she smokes so much in her house that our daughter has been admitted to hospital for long stays after visiting, so we can not go there…  To this day, Paula cries at holidays because she knows that her family will get together, but not invite us.  Her brother claims that there is nothing wrong, but we are rarely allowed to see them or their kids any more.  For my daughter’s 4th birthday, he wouldn’t come over until his wife could take care of the kids and for her fifth, he called the next day and told her “we’ll get together soon.”  We haven’t seen or heard from him since.  They took down their family website, so we can not even see pics of the kids any more.  I don’t know which is harder, explaining it to Paula or our kids who ask for their cousins, but rarely see them.  I have often considered just telling them that they moved away or died or something…

When we lost our son, I never imagined what else we would lose.

  • Filed under:

No longer safe to insure

  • Posted on January 16, 2011 at 7:48 pm

After our daughter Emma was born, my wife Paula had some pretty bad post-partum depression. We got her help and handled it.

After our son Kye miscarried, we were of course pretty upset. Paula especially had a lot of grief and guilt (as is pretty common, she blamed herself). She went onto sick leave and then disability for almost a year. We ended up with her seeing this therapist who really (I sat in on most sessions) did not understand what Paula was going through. Frankly, she made things a lot worse until she was able to get Paula committed for a few days. After that, we found better help and Paula improved.

Now, we have great support, more experience and are managing things pretty well. When our daughter Cassy was born, we had lined up support and had a plan. Things have gone pretty well.

The one big issue that we are having is insurance. When we changed our mortgage, TD bank refused to give her mortgage insurance, so there is only insurance for me. The really annoying part though was when we realized that work when we were married, work never added us to each other’s insurance (we work at the same company). So, we just filled out the paperwork to add each other. Since we did not do it when we were married, the insurance company (Great West Insurance) made us fill out bunch of questioners, then quietly refused Paula and Emma from my policy (weirdly, Paula has her own policy from our company). When I finally figured it out and asked them, they made me fill out more paperwork. After all this, they sent us a letter that Paula does not qualify to be covered. At this time, she still has her own policy through the same Great West policy, but we are now at a point where if Paula decides to stay home or just work part time, I may have to get a new job in order to try to get her coverage!

So far, Great West is doing their best to avoid explaining anything, but it looks like they consider post partum depression and grief after a miscarriage as long term conditions worthy of denying coverage.

The really annoying thing is if the company had just added her when we got married, then it would have been fine.

 

UPDATE:

After a year of trying to get a straight answer and someone to look at the facts, our company was finally able to get our insurance agent to talk to Great West and they suddenly decided to make an exception and include Paula on my insurance.  They made it quite clear that we are very lucky as they generally do not like to change their minds once they decide to refuse someone.  They never did explain how grief after a loss or post partum depression are long term medical conditions, but at least now Paula has insurance.

 

From this, I learned a few things:

  • Don’t insure with Great West.
  • If you are not getting answers, escalate it and stick to it.  Like most kids have learned, if you get a bad answer, talk to someone else.
  • If your insurance needs change (i.e. new spouse, new children) make sure that your insurance is changed right away.  Insurance companies will often make life very hard for you just because your HR did not tell them something right away.

Our rainbow baby

  • Posted on January 12, 2011 at 9:01 pm

It was really tough to try one more time after two losses. The pregnancy was even tougher than Paula expected and in the end they started to get really concerned about Paula’s rising blood pressure. As a result, she was induced just before 37 weeks. At that point baby Cassy was already pretty big and the pregnancy and constant concern about losing her was really wearing us down.

In the end though, it all worked out well and we have a wonderful new rainbow baby! We are thrilled! I am happy to say that everyone is doing well.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

  • Posted on October 19, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Well, as some of you know, one of the hardest things for many couples to contemplate after a miscairage or stillbirth is trying again.

Last December, we finally worked up the courage to try again and shortly after we found out that we were pregnant, Paula got very sick (the doctor suspects H1N1) and lost the pregnancy. To make it worse, since our losses are so different the doctors still consider us “low risk” even though we certainly do not feel like it!

Well, after two losses, and with us not getting any younger, we decided to give it one last try. Talk about just hoping that you are doing the right thing! Our past miscairrages have been really tough on not just us, but our families too and we certainly didn’t want to put anyone through that again.

Deciding to try again was really tough. We really wanted one more child, but after a loss you never have the same innocent belief that a pregancy will lead to a living baby. Instead, the only thing inevitable about pregnancy is the constant fear that comes with the realization that you are pregnant and does not really go away until the baby is delivered and healthy. What a stressful time for all.

Currently, we are at 35 weeks and about as stressed as you can get. The few good points are that baby seems very healthy and since Paula has developed high blood pressure the doctors and nurses are keeping a really close eye on them and are hoping to deliver at 37 weeks. Frankly, at this point we just want our daughter out and in our arms. I know that will be a huge relief to us all.

Hopefuuly everything works out. We sare slowly finding hope. We certainly don’t plan on ever trying pregnancy again.

5 Things to Say to Mom After a Miscarriage

  • Posted on October 15, 2010 at 10:13 pm

For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day The Stir at Cafe Mom posted an article on 5 Things to Say to Mom After a Miscarriage.

The short list is:

1) Don’t ignore it

2) Offer an option

3) Don’t push

4) Be honest

5) Don’t disappear.

For more, read the article.

Oct 15 is pregnency and infant loss awareness day

  • Posted on October 15, 2010 at 6:27 pm

October 15 is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. At 7:00 pm (local time) please light a candle for all the lost babies.

  • Filed under:

scared shitless

  • Posted on April 4, 2010 at 10:26 pm

Well, great news!  Paula is pregnant again!  We are scared shitless.

Once you have been touched by miscarriage, getting pregnant is never the same again.  On one hand we are thrilled and looking forward to the new arrival.  On the other hand, we are constantly scared that we will have another miscarrage and every time that Paula does not feel quite right, we really start worrying.  Of course, I am trying to be positive and encourage Paula to think positively etc, but really, deep down, I know the risks as well as she does. I guess the main thing for me is that I know that there are only a few things that I can really do to improve our chances and helping Paula feel as relaxed and upbeat as possible is one of them. Part of what makes it so tough is that before you have a miscarriage, you are protected by the knowledge that at the end of all of this, you will get a lovely baby to cherish and raise.  You start to make all kinds of plans, and all of these plans involve the baby living a healthy life to a ripe old age.  After miscarriage, that is all taken away from you.  At this point, Paula is just hoping to hold the baby.  With our previous miscarriages, we never even got to see them and with Kye, we finally managed to get his footprints, but that was it.  So, at this point, we are hoping for the little victories.  Personally, I am still hoping for the healthy life to a ripe old age, but it is much harder to convince myself that it is gauranteed any more…

Well, wish us luck as we go down this path again.  So far we have two living children and two Angel Babies.  This time I really, really hope for another living child.

Why I Haven’t Been Writing…

  • Posted on January 1, 2010 at 7:20 pm

crying eye Why I Havent Been Writing...

Photo Courtesy of Flickr User .Human After All

I haven’t written anything, anywhere for over a month now.  I seem to be suffering (hopefully in the past tense!) a bad case of writer’s block.  I seem to lack any and all motivation, creativity, focus, serenity, claritity and concentration.  I do know the reason why though…  My family was overjoyed when I told them of the positive pregnancy test result at the end of November.  I quietly told my in-laws during my mother-in-law’s and Aunt’s (they are twins) big birthday bash, ensuring that my youngest (aged 3 1/2) did not overhear our conversation.

Everyone was overjoyed with the news of course.  Our fertility background is complicated, to say the least.  My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years with me bringing a 10 year old to the marriage.  We conceived our first child shortly after the marriage and I gave birth in April of 2006 to a healthy, happy 11 1/2 pound baby girl.  She was healthy and happy but I unfortunately, suffered from severe post partum depression for approximately a year and a half.  When my depression seemed to be somewhat behind me, we conceived again.  My depression seemed to hit me from the first moment of the pregnancy.

When I was nearing the halfway point of the pregnancy, we went on a baby-moon (a holiday before the birth of a new baby).  I started to feel much better while we were away and looked forward to the ultrasound I would have on the day after our holiday ended.  We had hoped to find out whether it was a boy or a girl but instead found that our  precious babe had no heartbeat at all.  I unfortunately discovered that postpartum depression can be just as profound, perhaps even worse after the loss of a baby.  I felt like there was no real reason to hold it together after our tiny son’s death.

My depression turned to thoughts of suicide that resulted in my hospitalization for a couple of weeks on the psych ward.  It was beyond awful to be separated from both my dead son and my two living children during these weeks.  My medications were adjusted and I was in a somewhat safe environment though.  Some of the other patients did really make me wonder about my security though.  In time, I was released and began writing on the internet as a way of regaining my sanity and providing my days with some purpose.  After a year, I returned to work outside of the home on a part time basis.  This was the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life.  Losing a child is indescribably painful to put it in the mildest terms.

When the child who has died is unborn, the world around you doesn’t understand your loss at all.  My son Kye had no funeral, no memorial, no birth certificate, no death certificate, no picture taken, no kisses given and was never held or seen by us.  To many of our family members, he never existed at all.  However, after waiting for 20 weeks for him, building up expectations, hopes  and dreams for him, he was very painfully real to my husband and I.  The things that people say to parents of lost babies are terrible.  These things happen for a reason.  What reason is there for dead babies??  Would you say the same thing if my mother died?  It was God’s will.  I don’t believe in God.  If he exists, he has a lot to answer for.  You can have another.  Oh, so if one of your children died would it be okay for me to say the same thing?  It wasn’t a real baby.  Was it fake??  I could go on.  The only thing that you can really say to someone in this situation is how sorry you are and be there to listen.

Anyways, after our son’s death, I contemplated never trying to conceive again for obvious reasons.  However, with a huge age range between our two living kids (aged 15 and 3), I felt like they’d both be only children if we never tried again.  This brings us back to the end of November with my positive test results and a happy family.  Within a week of finding out, I began to bleed.  I feared the worst but was bolstered by my husband’s optimism that sometimes this happens during normal, healthy pregnancies.  The doctor tried to be optimistic as well when we got to see him.  I was sent for several tests but knew long before they did that I was no longer pregnant.

A loss of a pregnancy at 6 weeks is still a loss of a baby.  I was surprised and devastated at how low I have sunk during the 4 weeks since my second loss.  Unfortunately, miscarrying on December 2 more than ruined the holidays for my husband and I.  We tried to suck it up and plaster smiles on for our two children here with us but it was difficult and completely impossible at times.  To make matters worse, I have a friend who surprised me by telling me she was pregnant with the same due date that I had.  Now, she remains pregnant and I remain here with empty arms and an empty belly.  I’ve begun to distance myself from her as it has become increasingly difficult to see her and hear what her life is bringing her at the moment.  I am overjoyed for her but full of grief at the same time.  Now, I have not only lost two babes but also a dear friend that stood voraciously by my side after my first loss.

I will try to begin writing again readers but please know that I’m still here, still trying to keep it together, live an environmentally responsible life with my family and still hope to hear from all of my readers about their experiences living green and raising families.  Happy New Year everyone!  Here’s hoping for a better year in 2010.

  • Filed under:

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

  • Posted on December 21, 2009 at 8:08 pm

bear Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

I’ve been following this popular blog about postpartum depression for the last several months or so.  It’s called Postpartum Progress and has a ton of information on it keeping readers up to date on current research, media portrayls of postpartum, PPD from a political perspective, and basically everything and anything related to postpartum depression.  What I really love about this blog is that it’s upbeat.  It shows moms that there really can be a life after going through the trauma, fear and societal pressures surrounding postpartum depression.  My favorite part is the “Surviving and Thriving After Postpartum Depression” that is like a photo album of moms and their kids who are doing great after suffering postpartum depression.

I’ve had PPD myself two times now with the last time being the most severe.  The worst part was that I did not even get to have a live baby and still suffered from postpartum depression.  During my first bout of postpartum after my daughter was born 3 years ago, I was at home on maternity leave with her.  Here in Canada, we get a year maternity leave before returning to work after having a baby.  Last year, I was halfway through the pregnancy when a doctor at an ultrasound clinic told me that my baby had died.  Devastated is a serious understatement for what my husband and my family felt.  I was about a thousand times past the feeling of devastation.  I felt the familiar depression wash over me like an unending series of waves in the ocean.

My first time having postpartum was awful but my second time ended up with me being committed to the hospital for a couple of weeks.  I felt horribly guilty thinking that my depression had killed our son.  I had no baby in my arms and still suffered this terrible unending depression mixed with grief at the loss of our child.  There was no baby to try to hold it all together for and no maternity leave to rely on to keep the financial pressures at bay.  I don’t know what I would have done if my employer did not have long-term disability insurance to pay at least a portion of my wages until I could return to work.  What I thought would take a few weeks to recover from ended up being a year unable to work at all.

Most of these days passed with me in tears, unable for me to care for anyone.  Unable to even care for myself.  This was the darkest most frightening time of my entire life.  I cannot begin to explain what it is to have your mind shatter inside of you and still live.  It’s been about a year and a half now since my son’s death and I’m up to 4 days a week at work.  I’ve long come off of disability insurance but am more than happy to keep paying into it.  I am so grateful for the small amount of peace that it was able to bring to us.

I felt, and still feel like, even miscarriage support groups do not understand me.  I am not only suffering the loss of a child but also postpartum depression as well.  I am doing much better now and hope to one day be like the pictures of the Surviving and Thriving Mothers on the Postpartum Progress blog.  The difference will be that my arms will be empty.  Empty arms do not fill an empty heart.  Maybe my picture will be beside the lost babies memorial picture here that my son is a part of.  Postpartum depression without a baby is the worst kind of depression, in my opinion.

Kye’s Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Books

  • Posted on December 18, 2009 at 10:55 pm

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