It’s been a year since the loss of our son Kye. I miss him so much and still cry every single day. I would do anything to get him back. Anything to see him. To hold him, touch him, tell him how much I love him. Babies need their Moms and he never got one. I wish I was still pregnant with him. That I had never consented to the surgery which literally ripped his tiny body from my womb. I know that he was dead already. I don’t care. I just wish that I had him back.
I feel like I can’t be a mother to my two living kids because I have a dead baby alone out there somewhere. Or maybe, as my counselor wants me to believe, he no longer exists. What if he really is gone entirely and I have no chance of ever connecting with him in an afterlife or feeling his soul close to mine? I’ve always been an atheist but I feel like I cannot continue without any hope of meeting him somehow, someway someday. In whatever form that takes. I don’t give a shit that it doesn’t make any sense at all. I just want him back. If I knew for sure that he was waiting for me somewhere, I would do whatever, WHATEVER, it took to get to him. I guess that these are the kinds of suicidal thoughts that got me hospitalized six months ago but I don’t care about that either. I just want my baby back. Is that too much to ask? Crazy people who do crack get their babies? The ridiculous octumom gets all 8 of her babies. Women who live in poverty and cannot feed their children get their babies. Where the hell is my son?
I am not over this. I will never be “over” this. I’m sick of thinking that I need to just suck it up and go on. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Or I do nothing but sleep sometimes. I will never again be the same woman or mother. I feel like I’ve been faking getting better so that people will stop being so worried. I thought things would be okay again one day really soon. I’m not so sure anymore. I’m hoping that once the anniversary is a couple of weeks behind me that I’ll be able to pull myself back together again.
P.S. Mark, if you’re reading this, I threw away the cheese and cried about that too.