Not everyone may know this but in March of 2008, my unborn son Kye passed away in the 20th week of pregnancy. It’s been a devastating loss to our family that I’ll never totally recover from. Miscarriage and stillbirth are issues that no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge. Every pregnant woman realizes in her mind that it is always a possibility. The reality thought of losing a child can only be felt in the heart. It breaks everyday thinking of the loss.
To get over it, I tried to imagine that all I lost was a pregnancy, not a baby. In time I realized that while other people may think that is true, it just isn’t. From the moment you find out that you’ve conceived, you are a mother. You have hopes and dreams, expectations and desires for the baby that you hold with you inside of you every moment. Being pregnant is an overriding realization. You do all your regular day to day things all the time realizing that you’re pregnant. Every liquid you drink, every food you eat, every person you’re around or chemical you come into contact with is thought over carefully with regards to the baby growing in you.
When the ultrasound technican told us there was no heartbeat, everything came to an end. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ll never again be pregnant and be certain that I’ll have a baby. I’ll never again buy a friend a baby gift before the child is born. I’ll hold the two children I have left a little tighter, cherish them a little bit more. And I’ll always dream of what could have, should have been for our son Kye.
We never had a funeral for him. Never had a tombstone erected, a gravesite, a memorial service or anything at all. He was cremated and I wear some of his ashes around my neck in a beautiful infinity symbol. The funeral home we dealt with was so lovely to us which really helped mend our broken hearts after dealing with a dreadful medical system.
I was going through one of my friend’s pics on facebook today and came across this shot which includes her son’s grave. He was stillborn 6 years ago yesterday. It was his angel-versary or what others may call the anniversary of his death or his non-birth birthday. This cemetary has a playground in the children’s section. It helps brighten up a desolate place full of dead babies and children. You can just imagine their angel spirits climbing on the colorful ladder and going down the bright red slide. All playing together and happy. Not alone and sad but all together, kids at the park. Friends and babies forever.
I just thought this was a wonderful gesture by the cemetary to add some color and live to what otherwise would be a very depressing area. Many of these passed children have siblings that come to visit. The playground offers them a place to play and be happy instead of being scared and crying during the visit. The parents can spend some time mourning at the grave while life goes on around them. I just thought it was wonderful and definitely worth sharing!