I came across this great article about “What to say to someone who experiences a loss” on blogged today. It is one of those things that they really should give you (and more importantly family and friends) when you have a miscarriage. After you lose a baby, it is amazing some of the really stupid things that people say to try and cheer you up.
Of course sometimes it is almost worse if someone says nothing at all…
My Dad does not always handle these things in the best way and I must admit we were a little worried about how it might go when we saw him after we lost Kye (he was out of town at the time). I still remember meeting him at the airport and he just hugged my wife and said something to the affect of “My condolences and I talked to a friend who had a miscarriage and she said that I should just not say anthing else, so I will.” It was great that he acknowledged our loss, but it was also great that someone had taken him aside and warned him not to try one of those stupid “it will all be okay” lines that everyone seems to try.
Continue reading What to say to someone who experiences a loss
I just came across a quick piece that the NBC Today Show did about miscarriage. It is just a quick bit, but I was impressed how well they did it and how frank they were. These shows often carefully avoid dealing with issues like miscarriage or find some way to sensationalize them.
Continue reading The NBC talks about Miscarriage, and does it well.
Paula often reads a really good blog on postpartum depression called “Postpartum Progress“. After requests from Paula and others,they started a short discussion on “Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth”. The next day, they published another article on“What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss?”
This is really great since people rarely talk about postpartum depression, miscarriage or stillbirth, and practically never talk about them together.
Here is the comments that I posted there, but I suggest reading the whole thing as I hope that there will be some posts by people far better at this that me.
“One of the toughest parts of dealing with the PPD after miscarriage was that there are some people who deal with and understand PPD and there are people who deal with and understand miscarriage, but there seem to be few people or resources to deal with the horrible combination of depression and grief that can come when you have both. To make it worse, some of the things that therapists worry about and try to stop in depression patients (like too much sleep) are normal ways of handling grief. There are a number of behaviors that have conflicting meanings or importance depending on if you view it as PPD, grief, or a combination of the two. It takes some real attention to treat them both.
Frankly, I place a lot of the blame for Paula being commited on a therapist who I don’t think really understood half of what was going on and I think often did more damage than good (I sat in on the sessions, so I have heard most of what was said, but that is a different story).
Luckily when Paula was commited, we looked for new ways to get help and found a wonderful social worker (thanks Lori-Ann Shultz@Foothills Hospital) who really did understand and was able to provide a huge amount of help.
All I can say to couples going through it is:
1) it will get better. It really will. Someday you will find a new “normal”. It won’t be as care-free as it was, but it won’t be as bad as it seems.
2) don’t be afraid to seek help. And if at first, you don’t succeed, don’t be afraid to keep looking. I can not imagine where we would be now if we had not kept trying different things until we met Lori-Ann.”
Continue reading Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
A friend of ours lost a baby at about 38 weeks shortly after Kye died. She has always been such an upbeat person and rarely talks about it.
Now, she is pregnant again. I know that she is pretty scared, but trying to make the most of it.
She posted some of her ultrasound pictures on facebook in an album named “Here is Rerun/Reboot”. She wrote “We are calling her reboot since we don’t have a name yet and she isn’t really a number 2.”
It summed up some of the confusion that I feel about Kye’s loss, the prospect of trying again, and how we deal with it all.
Continue reading What to call the next baby after a miscarriage.
