I’ve been following this popular blog about postpartum depression for the last several months or so. It’s called Postpartum Progress and has a ton of information on it keeping readers up to date on current research, media portrayls of postpartum, PPD from a political perspective, and basically everything and anything related to postpartum depression. What I really love about this blog is that it’s upbeat. It shows moms that there really can be a life after going through the trauma, fear and societal pressures surrounding postpartum depression. My favorite part is the “Surviving and Thriving After Postpartum Depression” that is like a photo album of moms and their kids who are doing great after suffering postpartum depression.
I’ve had PPD myself two times now with the last time being the most severe. The worst part was that I did not even get to have a live baby and still suffered from postpartum depression. During my first bout of postpartum after my daughter was born 3 years ago, I was at home on maternity leave with her. Here in Canada, we get a year maternity leave before returning to work after having a baby. Last year, I was halfway through the pregnancy when a doctor at an ultrasound clinic told me that my baby had died. Devastated is a serious understatement for what my husband and my family felt. I was about a thousand times past the feeling of devastation. I felt the familiar depression wash over me like an unending series of waves in the ocean.
My first time having postpartum was awful but my second time ended up with me being committed to the hospital for a couple of weeks. I felt horribly guilty thinking that my depression had killed our son. I had no baby in my arms and still suffered this terrible unending depression mixed with grief at the loss of our child. There was no baby to try to hold it all together for and no maternity leave to rely on to keep the financial pressures at bay. I don’t know what I would have done if my employer did not have long-term disability insurance to pay at least a portion of my wages until I could return to work. What I thought would take a few weeks to recover from ended up being a year unable to work at all.
Most of these days passed with me in tears, unable for me to care for anyone. Unable to even care for myself. This was the darkest most frightening time of my entire life. I cannot begin to explain what it is to have your mind shatter inside of you and still live. It’s been about a year and a half now since my son’s death and I’m up to 4 days a week at work. I’ve long come off of disability insurance but am more than happy to keep paying into it. I am so grateful for the small amount of peace that it was able to bring to us.
I felt, and still feel like, even miscarriage support groups do not understand me. I am not only suffering the loss of a child but also postpartum depression as well. I am doing much better now and hope to one day be like the pictures of the Surviving and Thriving Mothers on the Postpartum Progress blog. The difference will be that my arms will be empty. Empty arms do not fill an empty heart. Maybe my picture will be beside the lost babies memorial picture here that my son is a part of. Postpartum depression without a baby is the worst kind of depression, in my opinion.
Continue reading Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage
Paula often reads a really good blog on postpartum depression called “Postpartum Progress“. After requests from Paula and others,they started a short discussion on “Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth”. The next day, they published another article on“What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss?”
This is really great since people rarely talk about postpartum depression, miscarriage or stillbirth, and practically never talk about them together.
Here is the comments that I posted there, but I suggest reading the whole thing as I hope that there will be some posts by people far better at this that me.
“One of the toughest parts of dealing with the PPD after miscarriage was that there are some people who deal with and understand PPD and there are people who deal with and understand miscarriage, but there seem to be few people or resources to deal with the horrible combination of depression and grief that can come when you have both. To make it worse, some of the things that therapists worry about and try to stop in depression patients (like too much sleep) are normal ways of handling grief. There are a number of behaviors that have conflicting meanings or importance depending on if you view it as PPD, grief, or a combination of the two. It takes some real attention to treat them both.
Frankly, I place a lot of the blame for Paula being commited on a therapist who I don’t think really understood half of what was going on and I think often did more damage than good (I sat in on the sessions, so I have heard most of what was said, but that is a different story).
Luckily when Paula was commited, we looked for new ways to get help and found a wonderful social worker (thanks Lori-Ann Shultz@Foothills Hospital) who really did understand and was able to provide a huge amount of help.
All I can say to couples going through it is:
1) it will get better. It really will. Someday you will find a new “normal”. It won’t be as care-free as it was, but it won’t be as bad as it seems.
2) don’t be afraid to seek help. And if at first, you don’t succeed, don’t be afraid to keep looking. I can not imagine where we would be now if we had not kept trying different things until we met Lori-Ann.”
Continue reading Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth
I’ve been following this popular blog about postpartum depression for the last several months or so. It’s called Postpartum Progress and has a ton of information on it keeping readers up to date on current research, media portrayls of postpartum, PPD from a political perspective, and basically everything and anything related to postpartum depression. What I really love about this blog is that it’s upbeat. It shows moms that there really can be a life after going through the trauma, fear and societal pressures surrounding postpartum depression. My favorite part is the “Surviving and Thriving After Postpartum Depression” that is like a photo album of moms and their kids who are doing great after suffering postpartum depression.
I’ve had PPD myself two times now with the last time being the most severe. The worst part was that I did not even get to have a live baby and still suffered from postpartum depression. During my first bout of postpartum after my daughter was born 3 years ago, I was at home on maternity leave with her. Here in Canada, we get a year maternity leave before returning to work after having a baby. Last year, I was halfway through the pregnancy when a doctor at an ultrasound clinic told me that my baby had died. Devastated is a serious understatement for what my husband and my family felt. I was about a thousand times past the feeling of devastation. I felt the familiar depression wash over me like an unending series of waves in the ocean.
My first time having postpartum was awful but my second time ended up with me being committed to the hospital for a couple of weeks. I felt horribly guilty thinking that my depression had killed our son. I had no baby in my arms and still suffered this terrible unending depression mixed with grief at the loss of our child. There was no baby to try to hold it all together for and no maternity leave to rely on to keep the financial pressures at bay. I don’t know what I would have done if my employer did not have long-term disability insurance to pay at least a portion of my wages until I could return to work. What I thought would take a few weeks to recover from ended up being a year unable to work at all.
Most of these days passed with me in tears, unable for me to care for anyone. Unable to even care for myself. This was the darkest most frightening time of my entire life. I cannot begin to explain what it is to have your mind shatter inside of you and still live. It’s been about a year and a half now since my son’s death and I’m up to 4 days a week at work. I’ve long come off of disability insurance but am more than happy to keep paying into it. I am so grateful for the small amount of peace that it was able to bring to us.
I felt, and still feel like, even miscarriage support groups do not understand me. I am not only suffering the loss of a child but also postpartum depression as well. I am doing much better now and hope to one day be like the pictures of the Surviving and Thriving Mothers on the Postpartum Progress blog. The difference will be that my arms will be empty. Empty arms do not fill an empty heart. Maybe my picture will be beside the lost babies memorial picture here that my son is a part of. Postpartum depression without a baby is the worst kind of depression, in my opinion.
Continue reading Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage