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And Round We Go Again…

  • Posted on December 7, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Well, Paula and I were really doing a lot better. Things were going well. Of course the pain of Kye’s loss never went away, but it no longer controlled us. I guess you could say that we found our new normal (things will never just be “normal” again).

So, we decided to try getting pregnant again. After several months, we found out that Paula was pregnant! We were somehow both excited and scared shitless. We decided to try to enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible even though as Paula now says “just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean that you get a baby”… This is something that only parents who have had a miscarriage ever truely understand and how I envy those people who do not understand it.

Things seemed to be going well and we decided to tell our families because whatever happened was going to affect them too. They were thrilled, yet concerned for us.

Paula got sick. She has had the H1N1 shot a while ago, but this was a really nasty flu that really knocked her off her feet for a while. After she tested positive on a pregnancy test, we figured that it was just her body adjusting… Who knows…

This week, Paula started to bleed quite a lot (she is trying to spare me from the worst of the details)… We went to the doctor for help, but he has gone off to start a private practice and we don’t have enought money to afford the huge fees (he was good, but not that good). Now we have found that we don’t have a family doctor any more.

We are still waiting for the test results, but all signs point to an early miscarriage… There is really no chance that the pregnancy survived… So, now we are left sitting waiting for the test results and once again thinking “why us?” and feeling very alone. I just feel very emotionally raw and the littlest thing is once again painful. We are left asking if we can really try this again. We want that baby so badly, but how much can you really put yourself and your family through? I guess we shall see. Right now, we are just trying to get medical help (very hard in Alberta) and get through this…

Wish us luck.

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Brown Star Babies

  • Posted on January 29, 2009 at 9:08 pm

I got a copy of this today from a support group I’m part of on Facebook. I thought that it was too beautiful not to share. Enjoy!

~written by Kim Steffgan~ *NOT ME!!*

Not long ago, astronauts found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies-clouds of cosmic dust – which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like planets, and the bigger things, like the sun.They call the cosmic dust “brown dwarfs” or “pre-stars” because although brown dwarfs have all the same elements to become a star, for some reason, they never did.

All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage, to their aged, cooler and dimmer, red giant stage. But “Brown Stars” only go so far. Instead of being born to live a normal star’s life, they remain cool and dim, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars, one hundred fifty light years from earth.

But like our babies, their roles in the universe are very important. In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding them together; A mid point between the beginning and ending of our universal story.

As we grieve our babies who died before reaching the stardom of their earthly lives, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that they are designated for this very special, universal role.Energized by our love, they are guardians of our memories of what was and our dreams of what someday may be. As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, we send messages of love to our “Brown Star” babies.

~written by Kim Steffgan~

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