I have no issue with women receiving EI after going through such a sad thing. Abortion is legal and funded publicly, and entirely withing the law. EI, is similarly funded with a contribution from those who have done so through payroll deduction, and hence a publicly provided service. The CTF has no business sticking its nose in this. Their opposition is based on a 19th Century view of the world which focuses on trying to punish women, pure and simple. It is ironic that an organization which decries “Big Brother” government is so quick to demand that the same government interfere in a person’s private life. What a bunch of hypocorites!

My condolences to you on your loss. I know that you must be going through a terrible time right now.

It would not be at all uncommon for you to have PPD. You will also have tones of grief, which is a totally different process to handle. To make things even tougher grief and PPD often share some symptoms. In the end though, it is well worth finding some help. While I know that it all seems overwhelming now, you can get through this, and yes things do get better. Things will never be the same, but they do get better.

Keep in mind too that you can not think your baby to death. Your depression did not kill your baby and while the chances are that you may never find the exact reason that she died, it is usually not related to anything that the mother did wrong and certainly not related to anything that you may have thought.

Other than that, all that I can really say is to cherish the time that you did get to hold your daughter and definitely seek help so that you are not trying to get through this alone. If your doctor does not understand seek a specialist or a social worker. I know that it took a while to find, but our hospital had an excellent social worker who really helped. There are also support groups in many areas and online (including several on Facebook). Talking with someone who understands can really help and so can the right selection of anti-depressants.

And always remember that even though is hard going, it will get better. For now, just take it day by day.

My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what you have been through.

I would strongly suggest finding a local doctor and therapist who can help. While your choices are a bit limited because of your pregnancy, there are still a lot of options that might help. The current guidelines certainly say that the benefits of getting help far outweigh the risks. There are several anti-depressants that can be taken during your pregnancy that might help.

Also, there are a lot of great groups both online (especially on facebook) and often locally. I know that finding a local loss group really helped us.

Whatever you decide, we wish you lots of good luck. I know that this must be very difficult.

After 3 preganacy losses my mind boggles how you could cope with 8 Tina. : (

There’s no way that you can put on a happy face and pretend that you lost nothing. The last time I went to my counselor I said that I wished that I could act as if all I lost was a pregnancy not a baby. She said that all I lost was tissue. Can you believe it?? Tissue!! Like I’m supposed to believe that I just had an appendix removed or something. What a crazy and negligent woman! However, I do want to tell you that there are good counselors out there. Ones that can really help you to rebalance yourself and learn to integrate the loss into your life. What has really helped me is group sessions with other bereaved parents. Parents of angels are the only ones who can really understand the magnitude of what has happened to you. Others will only treat this as the loss of a pregnancy, not the loss of a very loved and wanted baby. Group support with or without your boyfriend may really help to give you an outlet for all of the grief that you are feeling right now. If you are on facebook, there are many miscarriage and stillbirth support groups that will help you to connect with a number of different women who will constantly be available for you to chat with. I have found this incredibly helpful. These are not women who judge or criticize…rather, they’re women who have walked in your shoes, understand the pain, the loneliness, the judgements of others. I’m on there too btw.

If you think that you are slipping into post partum depression, I really advise you to speak with someone as soon as possible. And I think that this may be a concern because of the inability to sleep or eat and the guilt that is eatting at you. This does NOT mean that you are weak or crazy or really anything at all. It simply means that you need help. Go to a doctor as soon as you can and explain the issues surrounding you right now. If he doesn’t “get it”, ask for an immediate referral to a psychiatrist/counselor/social worker or anyone who can help. After my first loss in the 20th week of pregnancy, my depression spiralled down out of control until I eventually found myself to be extremely suicidal simply because I just wanted to hold that baby in my arms. I understand that you want your baby back more than anything. I wanted my son back literally more than life itself and I’d hate to see you slip that far. I ended up being hospitalized for a couple of weeks and heavily medicated to try to get my feet back under me. Please don’t let this happen to you. Seek out the help that you need as soon as you can. Your 11 year old needs you here on earth and in the best shape that you can possibly be in.

I don’t know why this had to happen to us. I’d do anything to take away your pain or the pain of any woman who is suffering in the way that we both have. I am so sorry for your loss and wish that I was there to give you a giant hug. If there is anything at all that I can do, please let me know. It’s important for you to reach out (and actually receive) as much support as you possibly can right now. Remember that this dark hole that you are in right now does have a way out. I promise you that the pain you are feeling today will not always be quite so heavy. You will never replace the loss or forget your precious angel but there will be a time for you to smile again. And not a fake smile either, a genuine smile. There will be many tears yet to come perhaps before you laugh again but you will laugh. This is a time of your life when you will find out who is truly on your side. Who will come to you in your time of need. Who will support you and love you unconditionally. Who will be the rock to hold you up. Remember that there are always us angel moms out here in the world feeling the same way. I wish you much peace. Please email me if you want to chat privately pjkmitchell@hotmail.com

My candle is still burning for you.

Paula

When I lost my first angel, I didn’t know whether he was a boy or not either. I persisted on finding out before they released me from the hospital. They didn’t understand why I needed to know so badly whether it was a boy or a girl so I totally understand how lost you’re feeling not knowing. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get the answers that you need. It’s funny that you were leaning more towards Kyle — we named our first angel Kye which means ocean.

I don’t know if you’re on Facebook or not but there are a few groups I’d recommend joining if you are. Try I’m an Angel Mummy and Proud, International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support and Pregnancy Loss, Infant Death Awareness, Remembrance and Support. There’s some great moms and dads on there that are very, very supportive and readily available when you need them.

Another thing I want to mention is that counseling, while really the only way to get through this, is extremely exhausting. Prepare yourself to feel really wrung out and tired after your session. After my first one, I slept for about 12 hours! I wrote another post about my losses that you can read about here if you’re interested: http://mark.thebentleys.ca/content/Why-I-Havent-Been-Writing.  You’re in my thoughts Kaye…best of luck and a million hugs! I hope that your days start to pass a little easier as you make the huge step of working through all this.

P

We have a site that I created to talk about Kye and his death. I have also posted this post there at: http://www.kye.thebentleys.ca/node/291.

Sorry to everyone that we have not been posting answers as quickly as we would like. We had some server issues and then another miscarriage and then had to deal with Christmas after that. It has been a pretty crappy holiday this year…

My condolences to anyone who identifies with this post and to the ladies who have commented. All I can really add is this:

* No matter how bad you feel, you are not alone. There are others who have been there. It often helps to find others to talk to and there are a lot of online groups (Facebook has lots) where you can talk to people who have been or are where you are.
* It is okay to ask for help. It is far better to get help than to try to deal with it alone. There is no shame in using whatever medicine is required (and legal). If you can find someone who can help you get back on your feet, take it.
* It will take a while for you to find “a new normal”. Things will never be the same, but someday you will feel better and things may be okay. When Kye died, I figured that things would be tough for a few weeks, but things would get better soon. Paula was off work for a year, and frankly we are both still finding our “new normal.” Things are getting better, but it is really slow.
* Don’t make any big choices (like leaving your spouse) until you have recovered enough to have really stabilized. Frankly, there will be times where some very bad choices seem like a good idea. Please don’t do anything drastic.

I wish you all good luck on you journy.

I’m so sorry that I haven’t answered you sooner. I too am struggling after having a second miscarriage 4 weeks ago. Feel free to private message me on my email at pjkmitchell@hotmail.com and perhaps I can give you some guidance as where you can go for support where you are located. There are many groups of moms out there who have lost babies before birth. I have found it very difficult to talk at these meetings but sometimes helpful just to sit and listen. These are the only real people in the world who will understand your pain. People do not understand what it’s like to lose a unborn child unless they have done it themselves. And the subject is completely taboo and insiginificant to the general population for some unknown reason.

It’s very difficult to deal with friends who are pregnant (or even strangers) when your loss is so new. One of my closest friends and I had the same due date and now she’s still preggers and I am not. She doesn’t understand my difficulties and feels like she can complain to me about her pregnancy woes like I’m so tired or I hate feeling like this. These kinds of comments are completely breaking me apart and I’ve decided, unfortunately, that I need to distance myself from her. Sometimes that’s the only choice.

Please realize that there are people that care and understand your thoughts and feelings. Reach out for help from me or even better, your family doctor or local pregnancy loss group. The hospital that preformed your D&E should have social workers that could hook you up with a group. There are social workers that deal specifically with pregnancy loss issues that are extremely helpful. You’re in my thoughts. Know that you will never get over this loss. However, you can integrate it into your life and develop a new normal way of living. There can and will be good times, smiles and laughter in your future. All you have to do is reach out for help to the right people!

Paula

Grief is usually made up of a series of stages like denial, anger, and acceptance while post partum depression is experienced in a range of ways including sleep disturbances, inability to experience happiness or any other real emotion, frequent outbursts of sadness including tears, etc. The only real way to know what is what though is see a trained professional. It’s important to seek help immediately if you are having the following symptoms:

suicideal ideation

thoughts of harming yourself or others

sleeping less than 3 hours per day more than a few days in a row

depression that lasts longer than 2 weeks

symptoms that are effecting your day to day life such as inability to care for yourself or children, inability to work, etc.

It doesn’t hurt to seek help only to find that you’re doing better than you thought you were. So therefore, if you’re questioning whether you should seek help, do it!! It won’t make the situation any worse than it already is as long as you get a competent and compassionate support person. I’d suggest reaching out to your family physician to start with and also local pregnancy and infant loss groups. It can help more than I could possibly describe to tell your story to a group of parents who understand and will not judge. I’ve been going to a local pregnancy loss support group for over a year. These parents are sometimes the only people I speak to about my experience. Sometimes I’m unable to speak at all because of the tears. But they understand and it’s okay to cry there.

I understand having a fear and phobia of medications. I struggled tremendously before finally relenting to anti-depressant medications. I must admit that I tried several that did not work for me at all. Some made me worse, some made me a zombie, some made me sick to my stomach. But we kept trying until we have finally found one that works for me. The point is to keep trying and to be on as low of a dose as you can. There are sometimes more natural medications and ways to relieve depression including accupuncture that may be beneficial to you. Make sure you truly understand the risks and benefits of all treatment options before deciding one way or another.

Drop me a line if you want to chat. Maybe I can help you find a group you could join in your local area or on facebook if you’re a member.

Paula pjkmitchell@hotmail.com

I’m so happy that you’ve found the courage and strength to talk to your doctor about this issue. I know that early losses can even be harder because people just don’t seem to understand. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks at the beginning of this month. I’ve been told that it’s nothing — just some tissue and just to get over it. Like I’m grieving over a lost appendix or something… Total rubbish! I’m now looking for a new counsellor, go figure.

Good luck in all your future plans. Remember that there is hope. With the right help and time, things will reach a new normal for you where you’ve come to accept but never get over the loss of your baby.

If you ever need an understanding ear or shoulder, drop me a line at pjkmitchell@hotmail.com

Paula

I talked to my friend today who has had two miscarriages and she mentioned post partum depression and even though I am familair with ppd, it never crossed my mind that that was what I was experiencing.

I did a search and it brought me to this site and now I am positive that’s what I’m going through. The loss hurts more than I could have imagined it would and I’m grateful for people like you who open your experiences up to others who are going through the same thing.

Now that I am recognizing the ppd, I’m making an appointment with my doctor immediately.

Thank you.

I totally understand not being able to watch tv or listen to the radio or go to the mall for fear of seeing a baby or something triggering your anxiety and depression in regards to your angel. Sometimes I end up bursting into tears in public because of a baby I’ve seen or a pregnant woman walking past. Sometimes I have an anxiety attack and it feels as though it will never pass. But the truth is that it does. Every day gets a tiny bit easier than the day before it.

As for medications, I admit that some meds will make you feel like a zombie. If that’s what happens when you try an anti-depressant, you can ask your doctor to switch to another. Sometimes it will take several before you find one that helps you and doesn’t have side effects that are distracting on your path towards healing.

Meds help but the only thing that can really reach to the pit of the depression is to talk about it to people that understand. Find a counsellor who has experience in both post partum depression and grief due to a baby loss. That is not always easy to do but there are people out there. Keep looking until you find someone who is a good fit. Another thing that really helps is pregnancy and infant loss support groups. These people are truly the only people who really “get it”. You can only understand what it feels like to loose a child if you’ve been there yourself. Your husband can even go with you to these groups. I know that mine finds it comforting to see other women who have sunk as low as I have at times and made it through to the other side. And that’s important to note…there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Email me please and we can chat more. I can help you find support groups online and on facebook. Perhaps I can even help find a group for you to join in your area. I’d love to be able to help in anyway that I possibly can. pjkmitchell@hotmail.com

Christmas can be a very difficult time for us angel mommies…especially when we are trying to fake happiness for our children and husbands. I’m here for you.

Paula

The only thing I can really suggest is communication. Find your local pregnancy loss support group and start going to the meetings. They are very helpful and can really help to bring a couple together. After losing our son Kye at 20 weeks, my husband and I joined our monthly support group. It’s been 18 months since our baby’s death and we still go on occassion. It gives you the opportunity and a safe place to communicate with each other in a supportive environment full of people who truly understand. The only people who can understand truly what you’re going through is other parents who have lost.

If there’s even a chance you have post partum depression, seek help. The only true way to figure out if what you’re experiencing is grief, depression or relationship problems is to talk to a doctor who can sort out all the issues. Talking to a counselor, doctor or whoever is the hardest thing to do after losing a baby because all you want to do is cry. The world doesn’t seem to understand what you’re going through and your thoughts no longer line up properly to make sense. However, the hard work can really pay off in the end by helping you reach a new “normal” in life that incorporates the loss of your babies.

Remember when you’re talking to your bf that men and women communicate much differently. Women tend to project their emotions while men display them in other ways. Talk to him about your feelings and ensure that you take the time to listen to his. His feelings about the losses and your relationship may be more similar to your feelings than you think.

Good luck and best wishes. I hope you find the peace and happiness that you deserve.

Paula

Our son who I lost at 20 weeks gestation had an autopsy and they found no reason for his death. This is the case in approximately 90% of all miscarriages. I still blame myself so I can understand how guilt ridden you are. That’s the grief talking though. It’s in people’s nature to search for a reason, a cause, something to pinpoint the blame on. Women are more prone to blame themselves when something tragic happens. But the truth and the really awful part of it is that sometimes, babies just die.

Grief is a path that no one can walk for you. They do not understand what you’re going through unless they’ve gone through it themselves. I too have had people say that I should just get over it. I wasn’t that far along. I can have another, etc. etc. I go to support groups and some women there have had, in my opinion, a much worse road. They lost babies at 40 weeks or had a stillborn. I said this to one of the moms and she said at least she got to see her babies to touch them (it was twins). She thought it would be harder to be me because I never got to see my son or hold him. How bad the pain of grief is cannot be compared. All losses are equal because they are all the loss of a child.

It’s been 18 months since my son has passed and I still think of him everyday. I wear my memorial necklace with his ashes in it around my neck every single day. Whenever I cry, my preschooler says: “I miss Baby Kye too” because she knows that’s what I’m crying about. Feel free to email me at pjkmitchell@hotmail.com. I understand and am more than willing to listen. Sometimes just knowing that others have had to deal with this awful loss can make you feel less alone.

*Hugs*
—

Paula Mitchell