Kye and Peanut's Blog

mbentley — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 04:26:55 +0000

Well, great news! Paula is pregnant again! We are scared shitless. Once you have been touched by miscarriage, getting pregnant is never the same again. On one hand we are thrilled and looking forward to the new arrival. On the other hand, we are constantly scared that we will have another miscarrage and every time that Paula does not feel quite right, we really start worrying. Of course, I am trying to be positive and encourage Paula to think positively etc, but really, deep down, I know the risks as well as she does. I guess the main thing for…

Why I Haven’t Been Writing…

admin — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 01:20:31 +0000

Photo Courtesy of Flickr User .Human After All

I haven't written anything, anywhere for over a month now. I seem to be suffering (hopefully in the past tense!) a bad case of writer's block. I seem to lack any and all motivation, creativity, focus, serenity, claritity and concentration. I do know the reason why though... My family was overjoyed when I told them of the positive pregnancy test result at the end of November. I quietly told my in-laws during my mother-in-law's and Aunt's (they are twins) big birthday bash, ensuring that my youngest (aged 3 1/2) did not overhear our conversation.

Everyone was overjoyed with the news of course. Our fertility background is complicated, to say the least. My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years with me bringing a 10 year old to the marriage. We conceived our first child shortly after the marriage and I gave birth in April of 2006 to a healthy, happy 11 1/2 pound baby girl. She was healthy and happy but I unfortunately, suffered from severe post partum depression for approximately a year and a half. When my depression seemed to be somewhat behind me, we conceived again. My depression seemed to hit me from the first moment of the pregnancy.

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

admin — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 02:08:14 +0000

I've been following this popular blog about postpartum depression for the last several months or so. It's called Postpartum Progress and has a ton of information on it keeping readers up to date on current research, media portrayls of postpartum, PPD from a political perspective, and basically everything and anything related to postpartum depression. What I really love about this blog is that it's upbeat. It shows moms that there really can be a life after going through the trauma, fear and societal pressures surrounding postpartum depression. My favorite part is the "Surviving and Thriving After Postpartum Depression" that is like a photo album of moms and their kids who are doing great after suffering postpartum depression.

I've had PPD myself two times now with the last time being the most severe. The worst part was that I did not even get to have a live baby and still suffered from postpartum depression. During my first bout of postpartum after my daughter was born 3 years ago, I was at home on maternity leave with her. Here in Canada, we get a year maternity leave before returning to work after having a baby. Last year, I was halfway through the pregnancy when a doctor at an ultrasound clinic told me that my baby had died. Devastated is a serious understatement for what my husband and my family felt. I was about a thousand times past the feeling of devastation. I felt the familiar depression wash over me like an unending series of waves in the ocean.

Kye’s Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Books

admin — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 05:55:33 +0000

And Round We Go Again…

admin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:52:10 +0000

Well, Paula and I were really doing a lot better. Things were going well. Of course the pain of Kye's loss never went away, but it no longer controlled us. I guess you could say that we found our new normal (things will never just be "normal" again). So, we decided to try getting pregnant again. After several months, we found out that Paula was pregnant! We were somehow both excited and scared shitless. We decided to try to enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible even though as Paula now says "just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you get a baby"... This is something that only parents who have had a miscarriage ever truely understand and how I envy those people who do not understand it. Things seemed to be going well and we decided to tell our families because whatever happened was going to affect them too. They were thrilled, yet concerned for us. Paula got sick. She has had the H1N1 shot a while ago, but this was a really nasty flu that really knocked her off her feet for a while. After she tested positive on a pregnancy test, we figured that it was just her body adjusting... Who knows... This week, Paula started to bleed quite a lot (she is trying to spare me from the worst of the details)... We went to the doctor for help, but he has gone off to start a private practice and we don't have enought money to afford the huge fees (he was good, but not that good). Now we have found that we don't have a family doctor any more.

Regaining my emotional balance.

admin — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 03:44:05 +0000

When Kye died, it hit us really hard. Ever since then, I have found that for Paula and I, we have a lot more trouble handling things and other people's grief. A little while ago, my wife's cousin Jen went to hospital and within a couple of weeks, she died. Her family came to visit her and stayed until she died. I never met Jen, and to be honest, I have only met her family once or twice. So, you would think that I would have felt pretty distant from all of this happening, yet we ended up helping the family as much as we could and I found that I was really emotional and it really affected me. Before Kye died, I would have felt bad for them, but it wouldn't have hit me as hard. So, even a year and half later, I am still emotionally off-balance. Slowly, I am getting my balance back, but it is definitely slow...

What to say to someone who experiences a loss

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I came across this great article about "What to say to someone who experiences a loss" on blogged today. It is one of those things that they really should give you (and more importantly family and friends) when you have a miscarriage. After you lose a baby, it is amazing some of the really stupid things that people say to try and cheer you up.
Of course sometimes it is almost worse if someone says nothing at all...
My Dad does not always handle these things in the best way and I must admit we were a little worried about how it might go when we saw him after we lost Kye (he was out of town at the time). I still remember meeting him at the airport and he just hugged my wife and said something to the affect of "My condolences and I talked to a friend who had a miscarriage and she said that I should just not say anthing else, so I will." It was great that he acknowledged our loss, but it was also great that someone had taken him aside and warned him not to try one of those stupid "it will all be okay" lines that everyone seems to try.

Angelversary Garden Flags for Pregnancy Loss

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I came across this greatarticle about flags for angelversaries on blogged.

The NBC talks about Miscarriage, and does it well.

admin — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:41:00 +0000

I just came across a quick piece that the NBC Today Show did about miscarriage. It is just a quick bit, but I was impressed how well they did it and how frank they were. These shows often carefully avoid dealing with issues like miscarriage or find some way to sensationalize them.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Paula often reads a really good blog on postpartum depression called "Postpartum Progress". After requests from Paula and others,they started a short discussion on "Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth". The next day, they published another article on"What Is the Difference Between Grief & Depression After Pregnancy Loss?"
This is really great since people rarely talk about postpartum depression, miscarriage or stillbirth, and practically never talk about them together.
Here is the comments that I posted there, but I suggest reading the whole thing as I hope that there will be some posts by people far better at this that me.

"One of the toughest parts of dealing with the PPD after miscarriage was that there are some people who deal with and understand PPD and there are people who deal with and understand miscarriage, but there seem to be few people or resources to deal with the horrible combination of depression and grief that can come when you have both. To make it worse, some of the things that therapists worry about and try to stop in depression patients (like too much sleep) are normal ways of handling grief. There are a number of behaviors that have conflicting meanings or importance depending on if you view it as PPD, grief, or a combination of the two. It takes some real attention to treat them both.

What to call the next baby after a miscarriage.

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

A friend of ours lost a baby at about 38 weeks shortly after Kye died. She has always been such an upbeat person and rarely talks about it. Now, she is pregnant again. I know that she is pretty scared, but trying to make the most of it. She posted some of her ultrasound pictures on facebook in an album named "Here is Rerun/Reboot". She wrote "We are calling her reboot since we don't have a name yet and she isn't really a number 2." It summed up some of the confusion that I feel about Kye's loss, the prospect of trying again, and how we deal with it all.

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Queen’s Park Cemetary — Storybook Gardens

admin — Tue, 05 May 2009 03:34:40 +0000

To get over it, I tried to imagine that all I lost was a pregnancy, not a baby. In time I realized that while other people may think that is true, it just isn't. From the moment you find out that you've conceived, you are a mother. You have hopes and dreams, expectations and desires for the baby that you hold with you inside of you every moment. Being pregnant is an overriding realization. You do all your regular day to day things all the time realizing that you're pregnant. Every liquid you drink, every food you eat, every person you're around or chemical you come into contact with is thought over carefully with regards to the baby growing in you.

When the ultrasound technican told us there was no heartbeat, everything came to an end. Nothing will ever be the same again. I'll never again be pregnant and be certain that I'll have a baby. I'll never again buy a friend a baby gift before the child is born. I'll hold the two children I have left a little tighter, cherish them a little bit more. And I'll always dream of what could have, should have been for our son Kye.

Queen’s Park Cemetary — Storybook Gardens

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Not everyone may know this but in March of 2008, my unborn son Kye passed away in the 20th week of pregnancy. It's been a devastating loss to our family that I'll never totally recover from. Miscarriage and stillbirth are issues that no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge. Every pregnant woman realizes in her mind that it is always a possibility. The reality thought of losing a child can only be felt in the heart. It breaks everyday thinking of the loss. To get over it, I tried to imagine that all I lost was a pregnancy, not a baby. In time I realized that while other people may think that is true, it just isn't. From the moment you find out that you've conceived, you are a mother. You have hopes and dreams, expectations and desires for the baby that you hold with you inside of you every moment. Being pregnant is an overriding realization. You do all your regular day to day things all the time realizing that you're pregnant. Every liquid you drink, every food you eat, every person you're around or chemical you come into contact with is thought over carefully with regards to the baby growing in you. When the ultrasound technican told us there was no heartbeat, everything came to an end. Nothing will ever be the same again. I'll never again be pregnant and be certain that I'll have a baby. I'll never again buy a friend a baby gift before the child is born. I'll hold the two children I have left a little tighter, cherish them a little bit more. And I'll always dream of what could have, should have been for our son Kye. We never had a funeral for him. Never had a tombstone erected, a gravesite, a memorial service or anything at all. He was cremated and I wear some of his ashes around my neck in a beautiful infinity symbol. The funeral home we dealt with was so lovely to us which really helped mend our broken hearts after dealing with a dreadful medical system.

A Year

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

It's been a year since the loss of our son Kye. I miss him so much and still cry every single day. I would do anything to get him back. Anything to see him. To hold him, touch him, tell him how much I love him. Babies need their Moms and he never got one. I wish I was still pregnant with him. That I had never consented to the surgery which literally ripped his tiny body from my womb. I know that he was dead already. I don't care. I just wish that I had him back. I feel like I can't be a mother to my two living kids because I have a dead baby alone out there somewhere. Or maybe, as my counselor wants me to believe, he no longer exists. What if he really is gone entirely and I have no chance of ever connecting with him in an afterlife or feeling his soul close to mine? I've always been an atheist but I feel like I cannot continue without any hope of meeting him somehow, someway someday. In whatever form that takes. I don't give a shit that it doesn't make any sense at all. I just want him back. If I knew for sure that he was waiting for me somewhere, I would do whatever, WHATEVER, it took to get to him. I guess that these are the kinds of suicidal thoughts that got me hospitalized six months ago but I don't care about that either. I just want my baby back. Is that too much to ask? Crazy people who do crack get their babies? The ridiculous octumom gets all 8 of her babies. Women who live in poverty and cannot feed their children get their babies. Where the hell is my son?

Sometimes, the dumbest things mean the most

admin — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 02:36:38 +0000

After a loss, sometimes the dumbest things end up meaning so much to you for the dumbest reasons... When Paula was pregnant with Kye, she really liked these individually wrapped chedder pieces. Not the processed cheese slices, but chunks of real cheddar like you might get with a lunch somewhere. We work at the same office and there were a bunch of these stupid cheese slices left in the fridge after Kye died. I returned back to work quite soon after he died (someone has to pay the bills), but my wife was off for 10 months of special leave and is just coming back part time now. Through it all, these stupid cheese stayed in the fridge. Every time I got cream for my coffee, there they were. Usually I didn't think about it, but sometimes, they would yank me back and make me think about Kye and Paula and everything that has happened in the last year. Sometimes stupid cheese even made me go back to my office, close the door and cry. And still the cheese remained. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them and well, they weren't threatening enough for anyone else to. Then, one day, as we come up on the one year aniversary of his death, they were gone. I opened the fridge and noticed that they were no longer there next to the cream. It was very odd. To be honest, it might have been anyone. I hope that it was not my wife who found them and had to deal with them. I really don't have a good reason to be sad that the stupid cheese is gone, but I am. It is just one more part of that time that is no more.

Welcome back to work Paula

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

My wife Paula has been on disability since Kye died. This week, she started back to work part time. Hopefully, she can get back to full time and then we hope to try to try to get pregnant again... It is great to see Paula improving, and since we work in the same office, it is really nice for me to have her around again. I really missed having her around. I know that it has been really stressful for Paula, and it doesn't help that she got a really bad cold just as she started back. I also know that she really feels guilty about going back to work and the idea of getting pregnant again. In a way it is like leaving Kye behind. On the other hand, I strongly believe that any of our kids would want us to go on and have the best life possible. I also think that we can carry on with our life and still remember him. It is just that there is a difference between "carrying on while honoring our son" and "giving up on life". I think that it is very important to just give up, and I think that is what many parents do initially. I know a lot of the time after Kye's death is still a blur to me. The really tough part is that eventually you have to drag yourself out (or have friends and family help drag you out). This is a really tough path, but it is very important for the rest of our life. So, good luck and welcome back Paula

Memorial Photography Volunteers

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I stumbled across a wonderful organization the other day. It's called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and is made up of volunteer photographers to help memorialize babies that have passed away. There are volunteers throughout the United States and in 25 countries internationally. Unfortunately, Canada is not one of the participating countries. These volunteers come to the hospital or hospice for a private photography session to take beautiful pictures of a tiny life that has ended too soon. These families are going through the lowest point in their lives, a trauma too great to explain for those who have not experienced it. When we lost our son Kye in the second trimester of my pregnancy last year, the world stopped spinning. It has been nearly a year since our loss and I have just recently returned to work. We never had pictures took of him or even saw him after he was taken from us. I was between 18-20 weeks pregnant and didn't want a half formed image of him in my mind. I will always wonder though. In my imagination, he's a beautiful, perfectly formed little angel who looks like my son and daughter combined. It's how I'll always remember him. For families who have gone further in their pregnancies though or families who feel differently than I did at the time, photographs are a beautiful way to remember all that has been lost. To remember all that could have been. The touching photographs on this web page are definitely worth taking a look at. This is certainly an organization that is very deserving of everyone's time, money and support. Please spread the word about them so that their organization can continue to spread and function.

Brown Star Babies

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I got a copy of this today from a support group I'm part of on Facebook. I thought that it was too beautiful not to share. Enjoy! ~written by Kim Steffgan~ *NOT ME!!* Not long ago, astronauts found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies-clouds of cosmic dust - which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like planets, and the bigger things, like the sun.They call the cosmic dust "brown dwarfs" or "pre-stars" because although brown dwarfs have all the same elements to become a star, for some reason, they never did. All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage, to their aged, cooler and dimmer, red giant stage. But "Brown Stars" only go so far. Instead of being born to live a normal star's life, they remain cool and dim, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars, one hundred fifty light years from earth. But like our babies, their roles in the universe are very important. In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding them together; A mid point between the beginning and ending of our universal story. As we grieve our babies who died before reaching the stardom of their earthly lives, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that they are designated for this very special, universal role.Energized by our love, they are guardians of our memories of what was and our dreams of what someday may be. As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, we send messages of love to our "Brown Star" babies. ~written by Kim Steffgan~

Foster’s Funeral Home

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Mark and I went to a Christmas Candlelight Memorial service tonight at Foster's Funeral Home in the NW of Calgary. They put on a giant, free service every year at the beginning of December. When we arrived, I thought that I must have had the time or day wrong. There were cars and people everywhere -- it was much bigger than I expected that it would be. We walked into a huge chapel with hundreds of people. Many more were put into overflow rooms around the funeral home or lined the hallway outside. The Calgary Boys Choir was there, singing Christmas carols and songs of remembrance. At the front of the chapel, there were two huge Christmas trees lit with clear bulbs and loaded with glass angels. There were also two huge candleabras flickering in the dim light. Each person received a candle when they entered and after a few songs and prayers, they were lit. The lights were turned down and the funeral home staff lined the aisle to pass the flame to each row of pews. Each candle was lit from the one before it, symbolizing the common humanity among people suffering from grief which can be overpowering, especially at Christmas. There were more psalms read and more carols sung and then there was a slide show of all of the people that the funeral home buried this year. Our baby boy Kye was not one of the pictures shown. We have no pictures of him except for the precious ultrasound pictures taken at 12 weeks. By the time we had our 18 week scan, he had passed. It was heart breaking to see the pictures of everyone else's loved ones and have nothing to show for our loss. I often wear his ashes around my neck in an infinity symbol and rubbed it during the service. I'm sure that he knows just how much he is loved and missed.

Thanks to the Pathology Dept at Alberta Children’s Hospital

admin — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:27:15 +0000

Our daughter was in the Alberta Children's Hospital last weekend and I finally got around to thanking some people for how they helped us through Kye's loss. After Paula's surgery, his remains were taken to the Children's Hospital for autopsy. Unfortunately, they were not able to tell us what happened (Dr Woods, the surgeon was nice enough to put his remains in fermaldihyde, which made some tests impossible). They did however get us a few things that really helped. All of which, Dr Woods had said were not possible... They were able to tell us Kye was a boy. That really, really helped the process for us to be able to identify him as a boy and not an "it" and give him a boy's name. A number of people (read as idiots) had said not to worry about it and just give him a generic name or pick a gender, and we would have if we had had to, but it really does not work as well as getting an answer. When Paula went into surgery I begged the doctor to find me an answer and tried to explain just how important I knew it was to Paula and I. He made it quite clear that it would be hard and he really didn't care. Luckily, the Children's Hospital was able to give us an answer and it helped a lot.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

It is amazing how much changes after you lose a baby. One thing that I really notice is how much more careful I have to be about watching TV. I used to just be able to zap through and at the worst I might be grossed out or somewhat offended. Now I am pretty careful about avoiding things that will cause Paula and I pain. I usually watch TV with Paula and so I just tell myself that I am trying to help take care of her and protecting us from pain. I like to think that I am stronger than that. Of course, as soon as you start thinking how strong you are someone is going to knock you down. I was watching TV by myself, and found some old war movie and figured that would be pretty harmless. I find that even though people are dying, it is so far removed from my life that while I can feel for them, I can handle it and it feels like something that I would normally have done before Kye died. The movie was "Farewell To Arms". It starts out as a war movie, then turns to a love story of them fleeing war. Okay, that is still nice and I am kinda watching it, kinda doing other things. The next thing, the heroine goes into labor. The labor goes badly and the baby that she wanted so much dies and I am sitting there crying. So much for a distant war movie being something "safe". I don't know how it ended. It just got to the point where it was dredging up to much pain and I turned it off. Sometimes, it turns out that maybe you are not as strong as you told yourself after all.

The Canadian Taxpayer’s Federation Comes Out Against EI After an Abortion, Regardless of Cause

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I recently came across a poorly informed editorial by John Williamson who is the federal director of the Canadian Taxpayers Federation. I just got a response published on Sociberty as "The Canadian Taxpayer's Federation Comes Out Against EI After an Abortion, Regardless of Cause".
Basically, while on the surface it sounds like the government is giving free holidays, if you look into it you find that you have to have a doctor's referal for it and it is meant for women who have an operation that is termed as an abortion, but the baby may already be dead (it is the same operation) or the family is forced to make some tough decissions and terminate a desperately wanted and loved pregnancy due to defects that mean that the baby could not survive. These are not people just having casual sex and then having abortion afterwards, but rather families going through the worst experience of their entire life. While a little time off is often not enough, it at least offers these women some time to work through their grief before having to go back to work.

Avenue Magazine writes about parents handling miscarriage and stillbirth… Then hides it…

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

It is always interesting and bizarre to see how people react to the whole topic of miscarriage and infant loss or for that matter loss in general. A while back, someone came round to Caring Beyond (an infant loss support group) saying that she was writing an article for an upcoming issue of Avenue Magazine. She asked to talk to us and then also asked if she could borrow any pictures, certificates, or anything else significant in order to add them to the article. I have to admit that I was pretty surprised that they were going to do an article on how parents deal with miscarriage and stillbirth. The author asked me to outline my experiences, so I started to quickly jot down what happened and that turned into a 5 page essay (http://www.kye.thebentleys.ca/node/258). That whole thing was boiled down to ““We cry too. Boy, do we cry. We just try not to do it in front of [the mothers of our children] so much, because we don’t want to suck them down even further. We have to take care of them.” Well, close enough I guess. Then she asked for any pictures etc. We have no pictures of Kye. The closest things are his first blurry ultrasounds and his footprints (which we barely got after the surgeon Dr Woods at Calgary’s Foothills Hospital told us it was not possible and did absolutely nothing to try to make it possible). These are immeasurably important to us, but we lent them to her with the understanding that they would be well taken care of. She drove across town to pick them up. A little while later, she told us that we could drive across town to pick them up as she could not be bothered to go out of her way to return them. That was rather frustrating.

Paula wrote about her experiences since Kye’s death at Helium.

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Paula did a lovely article about her experience since Kye died at Helium (http://www.helium.com/items/1220806-life-after-miscarriage). It was very touching to read her story. It was also interesting to see it through her eyes.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness Week: October 9 – 15

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

October 9-15 is Infant loss Awareness Week.
An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies results in a miscarriage, 1 in 148 babies are stillborn, and 3 in 1000 die shortly after birth. This translates to affecting an average of 500,000 pregnancies every year. This is a week to reflect on these families and try to promote wareness and look for answers.
On October 15th, at 7pm, light a candle in rememberance of these babies and thier families.

Turns out the Health Region really did drop the ball again…

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

So yesterday I called the Calgary Pregnancy and Infant Loss Dept of the Calgary Health Region to try to find out why we haven't heard from them. It turns out that the Hospital forgot to tell them that we had a miscarriage. Then we went in and talked to them, but they still forgot to add us to the mailing list! So, we have missed two memorial services because they dropped the ball. We also were not on the list for their next group. The only reason that we have not missed the group was that it turns out that they have not run a group in about a year. According to Caring Beyond, there are approximately 1800 miscarriages and 200 babies who die shortly after birth, yet the Pregnancy and Infant Loss group can not find enough of them to get together a group... I wonder how many other parents are sitting there alone hoping for a group to be put together? I wouldn't be so pissed, except that I have heard from people who have managed to find groups that it can be quite helpful if you can get it. Now the current provincial government has decided to totally overhaul the provincial health care system because their last attempt is crap. Any guesses on if anything will improve? Here in Calgary, we have over a million people and 3 hospitals. There are actually posters showing a happy nurse helping someone on a bed in the hallway saying that even if you are left in the hallways, we will give you great service! I call bullshit.

My Baby Boy Kye

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Paula wrote a poem named 'My Baby Boy Kye' on AuthSpot.
Loss, miscarriage, and perhaps hope for the future. Societal views of miscarriage do not help people trying to recover from loss. Feels of depression and grief are overwhelming some days while others there are tiny glimpses of hope for the future.

The health region comes through again. Well, just kidding…

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

It has been about 6 months now since Kye died. Things are getting better. Slowly. One thing that seems to be constant is the shitty service of the Calgary Health Region. My latest beef is with the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Program (http://www.calgaryhealthregion.ca/programs/infantloss/)... Within a few weeks of Kye's death, we were looking for resources to help deal with it. The Pregnancy & Infant Loss Program says that they offer periodic groups so that you can connect with other people going through this, so I said "please sign us up". Six months later, and they still have not called. I tried calling them, but of course, no answer. Apparently, despite the fact that there are something like 1800 miscarriages in Calgary every year, the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Program can not figure out how to get a group of us together. I wouldn't be so annoyed if they had just said "nope, we don't run groups" instead of taking our names and then not doing anything. They also run several memorial services throughout the year. First of all, I have to admit that it pisses me off that they run different ones for if your baby was more than or less than 20 weeks. That seems pretty ignorant for people who are supposed to specialize in this... Secondly, we had said that we were interested in attending the next memorial. You guessed it. I just found out that even though we went in and talked to them about the loss etc, we were not told when the memorial was. I just found out that it was last weekend. I am pretty upset. When we are going through hell and yelling for help, why is it so hard to get any? Whenever I start telling people about what happened, I always get this surprised "Oh, that shouldn't have happened". I hear that a lot. They screw things up a lot. At this point, it happens so often that I am just getting totally fed up with the entire system!

I wrote a few articles about the experince…

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

As a way of working through things after the miscarriage, an attempt to help others through it, and an attempt to just plain help publicize it in an effort to help change the way society expects people to deal with it (yeah, just simple goals), I wrote several articles on Squidoo. Periodically, I update them as I think of more things that I wish someone had told me sooner.
I guess my main point is just that one of the many reasons that I found handling our miscarriage so hard was because not only did my wife and I have totally simplistic ideas about handling miscarriage, we also found that many of the people that we had to deal with also had no idea either! This just made things tougher and more difficult.
The articles that I have done so far are:

Handling Miscarriage
Helping Others Through Miscarriage
Miscarriage Information for Dads (Yes, it really does affect the whole family, not just the Mum).

A quick confession about scrapbooking

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

So, a quick confession. After Kye died, I started trying to get my wife to write about it as a way to deal with it and work through things at her own pace. Then she was talking about how she had seen web sites for other babies, so I made this one for her to use. At this point, I don't think that she has ever seen it. I doubt that anyone but me knows that it exists.
Then at Caring and Beyond, they were talking about scrapbooking what little you have. We had heard of it before, and Paula started to really get into the idea and started buying all kinds of stuff to make a scrapbook for Kye. She still couldn't bring herself to actually scrapbook anything, but we had the stuff and we started to get together everything that we do have. It turns out that we have a lot more than we thought.
Finally, on the weekend of Kye's due date, our oldest son was out of town with his Nana, we sent our daughter to a friend's for that day, and that weekend Paula started scrapbooking like mad. Finally, at the end of the weekend, our son came home and we packed up all the scrapbook stuff so as not to make things to tough on him (he is 14).
I decided that I really should and would like to make a page or two as my message to Kye, so I bought a few things and started thinking about it and planing it. The sad thing is that after all my gentle nudges to get Paula to do some scrapbooking, I just can not bring myself to do it. It still hurts to much.

How Are You

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Paula wrote a poem named 'HowAre You' on AuthSpot.
Reflecting on grief and death of a child. Societal pressures to pretend every thing's okay. Sometimes things just aren't.

Nana

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Avenue Magazine

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Mark

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Paula

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Avenue Magazine

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

A little while ago, a lady from Avenue Magazine came to a Caring Beyond meeting to listen and talk to some of us for an article on losing a baby. The article will be out in late October. Currently, she has Kye's footprints and certificate of life, but we are not sure what she will use in the article. After the meeting, she had contacted us and asked for some more information about our story. So, I sat down to write a quick overview. Then, I wrote some more, and then some more. Somewhere it crossed from a quick overview to a form of therapy. The final result won't win any writing awards, but is from the heart. It is below. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a rundown of our story. Sorry, it was supposed to be quick and has turned into a whole magazine worth... I was not quite sure what info you were looking for, so I threw it all in. In the process, I think it went from a quick rundown to do-it-yourself therapy...

social workers

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

certificate of life

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Certificate of life

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

When your baby dies before 20 weeks, there is no official documentation. The one thing that you can get is called a "certificate of life" and is just done by the social workers.

Kye’s foot prints and a poem from the Children’s Hospital

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

When we did finally get Kye's footprints, this is the card that they came on.

image

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Foot Prints

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Kye’s Foot Prints

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

This is one of the few things that we have from Kye.

Why a seperate site?

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

I made Kye's special site for a number of reasons: - Paula had come across sites for other babies and felt that it might be nice to have somewhere to morn Kye. - I felt that if it was separate from our main site, we could be more frank and focused. This way if you have troubles dealing with his death, you can still read the main family site and not have to deal with it as much although at this point, Kye's death really does define a lot about Paula and I and how we are doing in life. - I realize that different people handle Kye's death in different ways, including the old fashioned "pretend it never happened". While this approach has been proven to not work very well, many people still cling to it and are very uncomfortable if you talk about the subject. By having a separate site, we can mourn in our own way while not having to fight with those people who can not talk about it. - This is a very deep, very personal pain. By having a separate site, we can control who we share that with. I just wanted to make sure that people understand that while I may not be constantly posting my feelings about Kye's death on our main pages, there is a reason for that and that he was, and is, loved dearly.

Due Date

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Kye

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Kye’s due date

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Kye's due date was moved a couple of times, so we kinda had to "just pick one". We decided to go with the one that meant the most to us and that we identified with most. So, we will be marking his passing on August 16th each year. We haven't decided quite what we will do, but I think that we will try to figure out something simple and meaningful that we can do each year.

Useful Miscarriage Books

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Here are a few books that I have found. I hope that you find them helpful.

links

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Miscarriage

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Useful Miscarriage Links

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Here are a few links that might be useful.

Kye’s Family

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Here are some links to some of Kye's Family and thier interests.

Butterfly Release 2008

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Emma

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Kris

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

photos

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

admin

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Ultrasound Pics #5

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Side view of the baby’s head. Can kind of make out eyes/nose/lips.

Ultrasound Pics #4

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

This one shows the two legs and feet.

Ultrasound Pics #3

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

This one shows the baby’s two arms. The shot on the right shows the arm up above the head.

Ultrasound Pics #2

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

This one shows the measurement from head to bum at 58.7 mm. Shows the baby has grown since the first ultrasound.

Ultrasound Pics #1

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

This shows the fetal heart beat at 168 beats per minute – old wives tale of gender prediction would say GIRL. Not necessarily true though. We’ll have to wait for the next ultrasound to discover gender.

3 Months Down…Less than 200 days to go.

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

God that sounds like a long time...197 days left. Everything's going good, baby wise. The other kids are both hell on wheels this week but luckily, the unborn do not talk back! Here's the 3 month pregnancy update from babycenter.com How your baby's growing: Your baby, just over 1 1/2 inches long and about the size of a fig, is now almost fully formed. Her hands will soon open and close into fists, tiny tooth buds are beginning to appear under her gums, and some of her bones are beginning to harden. She's already busy kicking and stretching, and her tiny movements are so effortless they look like water ballet. These movements will become more frequent as her body grows and becomes more developed and functional. You won't feel your baby's acrobatics for another month or two — nor will you notice the hiccupping that may be happening now that her diaphragm is forming. Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development. How your life's changing: If you're like most women, you're feeling a bit more energetic now and your nausea may be starting to wane. Unfortunately, you may also be suffering from constipation (caused by hormonal changes, which can slow digestion) and heartburn (hormones again, relaxing the valve between your stomach and esophagus). Just remember, all this discomfort is for a good cause. Don't worry if nausea has made it impossible for you to eat a wide variety of healthy foods or if you haven't put on much weight yet (most women gain just 2 to 5 pounds during the first trimester). Your appetite will likely return soon, and you'll start to gain about a pound a week.

Christmas Pics!

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Our Christmas pics have finally been uploaded. Check it out under family pics, December. Included are pictures of Christmas at our house, at my Dad's, at my Mom's and our New Year's trip to Fernie. Hope everyone had a great holiday...I know we sure got spoiled! Thanks everybody for everything. It was great seeing all the family who were here visiting over the holidays. So fun sharing our xmas secret (i.e. new baby) with everyone!

1st Dr.’s Appointment today!

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Gosh, I've been crazy busy. Well, alot of the time I've been napping, to tell the truth. I'm just exhausted this time around (but I haven't been sick once yet or really even had any major break downs!!!!!)...probably because I'm still nursing Emma, chasing her and Kris and working full time. Our first doctor's appointment is this afternoon. I'm wearing maternity clothes all the time now and am definitely showing (unfortunately). I guess when you have such big kids it's hard to hide it, even for just a few weeks. Emma has been growing and changing like crazy. Every day brings new words and new challenges. We are all settling back into our routines...work, school, fencing classes, Emma is starting a new pre preschool class tomorrow. I'm back to working 4 days a week at the office and 1 day at home making up the hours through the week when Emma doesn't need me (mostly when she's sleeping or Mark is watching her!). Here's a little pregnancy guide to being 9 weeks, in case you're interested and want to check it out. The picture on the side is neat but it doesn't really give any information as to what's going on. I'll try to post the weekly pregnancy updates when I remember. Your pregnancy: 9 weeks How your baby's growing:

A quick family update

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

Well, things have just been getting busier and busier around here! Paula is really tired a lot of the time. We are trying to let her rest as much as possible and doing our best to keep things as easy as possible for her. Kris is being really good about helping out, but unfortunately Emma does not usually seem to fully understand this. However, if Paula is resting on the couch, Emma will get her baby's blanket and cover her up which is really sweet. I have the unfortunate feeling that Paula may be writing less for the next while. Kris seems to have enjoyed his Christmas vacation, although I doubt that he is looking forwards to getting back to school! He got to spend a lot of time playing his new computer games and generally relaxing, but was also very helpful. Emma is learning more and more words and getting a lot better at telling us what she wants. Unfortunately, she does not always take "no" well... We are working on that. She is definitely getting ready for those "terrible twos". However, she is generally a pretty good kid (as long as she gets her naps). We are constantly amazed and amused by what she learns and does. Paula used to do a lot of Yoga. Emma would watch and occasionally I would catch her doing a bit (mostly "downward dog"). Over New Years, we went to Fernie with my parents, Doreen, and Joe. Joe did quite a lot of Yoga and we found Emma down there while he was doing it, just watching him. Today, at one point, she went and carefully spread out Paula's Yoga mat (making sure that it was quite flat). She them went through this long sequence of streaches and poses. We recognized some definite attempts at real yoga! She even went and got Paula's yoga block as well. It was one of those things where you watch and go "Where the heck did she learn all that?"

Our Christmas pictures gift to My parents and Doreen

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

For Christmas, we gave my parents and Doreen a nice frame with these pictures

and the caption "Coming soon. August 2008".

It was well recieved. Responses were usually confused (I admit, they are not great pictures), then excited:

and at Dorren's:

Followed by much rejoicing....
Unfortunatly, word was spreading at work so we had already talked to Dale and could not surprise him in quite the same way...
Watch the new baby-counter on the upper right of the page to see the time until our due date and what the baby looks like at this point in development (of course ours is likely larger than shown!).
Wish us luck in this new adventure!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Thu, 01 Jan 1970 00:00:00 +0000

What a crazy few weeks we've had...work Christmas parties, friend get togethers, a good friend of ours had a baby a week and a half ago (congrats again Erin and Michael!), loads of deadlines at work, family get togethers, etc. etc. It seems like forever since I've written anything here (or anywhere else for that matter!). Work has been crazy busy...I've been working a bit of overtime again which is much easier said than done with a teen and a toddler! Kris' fencing season has wrapped up until after the Christmas break. He's been getting less and less motivated to practice, we're hoping this improves in the new year! Mark's come down with another throat infection that has really bowled him over the last week or so. He was even at the doctor's office for 4 hours this morning to get more antibiotics and pain killers! He's been having a helluva time sleeping/eating/etc. The year is finally winding to a close. All the craziness is calming. Mark's parents and brother (hippy Joe) were over for dinner and presents tonight. It was nice just to sit and visit for a while. We haven't spent much time with any of the Bentleys lately -- hectic schedules for us, crazy travelling (fernie, costa rica, etc.) for them! We did presents and dinner. Played Wii (Laura has some sick bowling windmill moves -- she'll be sore tomorrow!), watched some of the Planet Earth documentary and went for an annual Christmas Eve walk. Mark is putting Emmy to bed now and the house is so blisfully quiet.

Kye and Peanut's Blog

Why I Haven’t Been Writing…

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

Kye’s Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Pregnancy Loss Books

And Round We Go Again…

Regaining my emotional balance.

What to say to someone who experiences a loss

Angelversary Garden Flags for Pregnancy Loss

The NBC talks about Miscarriage, and does it well.

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage or Stillbirth

What to call the next baby after a miscarriage.

Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage

Queen’s Park Cemetary — Storybook Gardens

Queen’s Park Cemetary — Storybook Gardens

A Year

Sometimes, the dumbest things mean the most

Welcome back to work Paula

Memorial Photography Volunteers

Brown Star Babies

Foster’s Funeral Home

Thanks to the Pathology Dept at Alberta Children’s Hospital

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you

The Canadian Taxpayer’s Federation Comes Out Against EI After an Abortion, Regardless of Cause

Avenue Magazine writes about parents handling miscarriage and stillbirth… Then hides it…

Paula wrote about her experiences since Kye’s death at Helium.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness Week: October 9 – 15

Turns out the Health Region really did drop the ball again…

My Baby Boy Kye

The health region comes through again. Well, just kidding…

I wrote a few articles about the experince…

A quick confession about scrapbooking

How Are You

Nana

Avenue Magazine

Mark

Paula

Avenue Magazine

social workers

certificate of life

Certificate of life

Kye’s foot prints and a poem from the Children’s Hospital

image

Foot Prints

Kye’s Foot Prints

Why a seperate site?

Due Date

Kye

Kye’s due date

Useful Miscarriage Books

links

Miscarriage

Useful Miscarriage Links

Kye’s Family

Butterfly Release 2008

Emma

Kris

photos

admin

Tag Cloud

Ultrasound Pics #5

Ultrasound Pics #4

Ultrasound Pics #3

Ultrasound Pics #2

Ultrasound Pics #1

3 Months Down…Less than 200 days to go.

Christmas Pics!

1st Dr.’s Appointment today!

A quick family update

Our Christmas pictures gift to My parents and Doreen

Merry Christmas!!!!